If my boobs could talk they would let out a gigantic slur of potty words and curse the heavens for designing such an imperfect “perfect” system. Yes, it sounds ideal to have perfect nutrition, on the go, in the amount your baby needs but really did the means of delivery really have to be through such a sensitive area such as a breast and nipple? Come on God, I’m not one to question your design but I feel like if you created the heavens and the earth you would be able to come up with a less painful way of delivering nutrition to the offspring.

I try to keep this blog a positive space but I’m also committed to honest blogging and I’ve got to be honest here, when I said earlier that breastfeeding was kicking my ass I really meant I was borderline on a mental and physical breakdown all because of two boobs and one tiny little mouth.

Sure our breastfeeding relationship started off great. Mr. Harper was born and immediately latched on for a great first little meal. I was amazed at how natural breastfeeding felt and at how instinct took over for both of us. I somehow knew how to hold him just right, he knew how to latch on and get what he needed…it was incredible. I recall even saying to hubby, “Wow, I’m surprised more women don’t breastfeed, it’s so great for both me and the baby.”

Oh, how I wish I could go back and slap that snotty judgmental biatch in the face…or better yet give her the most brutal titty twister of her life. Turns out no titty twister was necessary because it was literally the next day that half my nipple decided to jump ship and leave behind a nasty raw piece of booby flesh.

For some reason I feel compelled to tell you the whole ugly truth of the nipple ripping event. Stick with me through the terror and I promise I will finish this post with rainbows and jumping dolphin like positivity…

It began like any other nursing session. The initial latch on was brutally painful, curl toeing painful for about 15 seconds and then the razor blade sensation dulled down to a minor “hey someone is sucking on your boob” like pain. Things carried on as usual for about five minutes and then it happened.

I glanced down and saw blood BLOOD dripping out of the little ones mouth. I immediately unlatched him and began searching his mouth, tongue, cheek for the source of the bleeding and then it hit me. He wasn’t bleeding, I WAS!

The world went black and everything turned cold. Ominous music began to play in the background. I was ruined and in shock. Once the initial blow was over I called out for hubby. Apparently my desperate plea wasn’t very convincing because it took several hollers to get his attention. Points for my composure in a time of panic but HELLO, if ever there was a time to freak the “F” out it was now when my nipple was dangling and bleeding into my newborns precious mouth!

As if the bleeding nipple wasn’t bad enough I still had a hungry newborn on my hands and had no idea what to do. Thank the Lord for google because I was able to look up whether or not it was even possible to still breastfeed with such an injury. Would the blood make him sick? Is my entire nipple going to fall off?

Apparently I am not the first unlucky mama to have such an injury. It seems nipple cracks, splits and tears are VERY common for nursing moms..thanks for the warning ladies!

Ok, that’s not entirely fair. I was warned and I responded by cupping my ears all ear muff style and humming lullabies to myself trying to hold onto the perfect image of a happy breastfeeding mom and baby. You know all the good stuff you hear, about how it really IS the perfect nutrition for baby, full of anti-bodies and iron man building stuff, that it promotes a special bond between mama and her babe and all the other pluses you can read about here.

After finding out it was ok to continue nursing I continued on in agony. Breastfeeding consumed my every thought and literally ever hour of the day. If I wasn’t actually nursing I was pumping and this in itself deserves it’s own post. In short I was using a hand pump that I bought thinking I wouldn’t need to pump in the beginning weeks of breastfeeding. It was taking me about 45 minutes to express maybe 1/2 an ounce of milk and Mr. Harper was supposed to be eating at least 2 ounces every two to three hours. I was literally stuck in the bathroom all day long pumping away and crying just as hard. Please Please Milk COME OUT!

Lucky for me a friend saw my need and loaned me her electric breast pump. Things really started to look up for me at this point until the motor on the pump died. I was at my wits end when finally hubby and I decided to spend the big bucks and buy a double electric Avent breast pump. Turns out I do and did have enough milk it was just the crappy little hand pump failing me. My life has been much better since this purchase and if I can give any new mother advice it would be to not skimp on your boobs. Spend the big dinero and get yourself the BMW of pumps.

So with all this nursing and pumping you would think that Harper would be gaining weight as expected right? Well WRONG. We are about to hit the one month mark and he is still not up to his birth weight. In fact we just returned from a Dr. appointment and in the 3 days of round the clock nursing since our last visit he gained exactly 1/2 an ounce. He is supposed to be gaining at least an ounce a day and back up to his birth weight by two weeks. We are getting closer to this goal but still….1/2 an ounce with all the chugging this little man has been doing?

What the hell is going on? Well we finally figured out one piece of the puzzle. After seeing a lactation consultant we realized that our little man has a short frenulum. A frenu-what? Yeah, exactly…it’s that thingy under your tongue that allows you to stick it out and talk without a lisp. Check out a picture of it here.

Acting on the lactation consultants advice we asked our pediatrician to check it out and she agreed he might be tongue tied. We were referred to yet another Dr. and within minutes of seeing us she was setting up her tools for the procedure. Oh man, the easy little “clipping” required to release the tongue tie was not so easy on mama and papa. Poor papa had to hold down Harper as he kicked, screamed, arched his back and writhed in pain. The Dr. did numb the area a little but still…getting anything clipped is going to hurt and being held down alone is pretty traumatic.

Since the tongue clipping Harper has been eating much better. It seems that the short tongue was making it basically impossible for Harper to actually remove milk from the breast. He was sucking and sucking but couldn’t get or maintain a good latch, hence the injury and incredible pain to mama and the slow weight gain despite all the time spent hooked up to the tap.

So that’s where we are now. It’s been 3 days since the tongue clipping and the easier nursing but we’re still only up 1/2 an ounce. We’ve been given two more days to gain about 2 ounces and then the Dr.’s are going to want to do some blood work to see if there is something else going on to explain the slow weight gain.

I know I should be freaking out and obsessed over the slow weight gain but I feel like everything really is fine. If we weren’t weighing the little man every couple of days I wouldn’t know that there is a problem. I did however know something was up with the breastfeeding issues…I just didn’t know what. There is my advice number two to new mamas, get to know a lactation consultant in your area and be ready to use her/him once baby arrives. Even the tiniest little advice from these experts can make a world of a difference and they know what to look for when problems do arise.

Now that I’ve given you graphic details about the condition of my boobs I feel obligated to give you guys something more. In light of my breastfeeding struggles and all the tips, websites and books my faithful friends have provided in the mean time I am vowing to compose a breastfeeding category on mamasurfs to provide other desperate mama’s with a little light at the end of the tunnel.

Until then you know where I’ll be…yup propped up on the couch with the little man chugging away hopefully gaining some poundage!

The flat gray pavement beneath my feet carries me through a city wonderland that I all too often forget to appreciate. Living in the heart of Waikiki I am accustomed to the non-stop “beep- beep- beep” of delivery trucks, the crashing of dumpsters on trash day, the squealing brakes of city buses, the sirens of police cars as they race down my street towards the Ala Wai, the hollers of party animals at 4am as they make their way home from the bars and you know what? I love it all.

To many of our visitors this noise is just too much to handle but for some reason I feel right at home amongst this chaos. For every rackety noise, there is also the distant laugher of wedding receptions and parties, the ringing of trolley bells carrying tourists throughout the city perched up on the railing with their cameras amazed at the sights they see, the soft violin of the old man who sits in front of McDonald’s and serenades all who pass, the whistle of the street performers, the surge of the surf on a big swell and the chanting of hawaiian hulas and hymns as the sunset performs its magic.

I love the rhythm of this place, the pulse of such a busy paradise nestled among the high rise buildings. I love the gathering at the shoreline as the sun slowly begins to set, casting a magical glow over playful waves. I love watching the little kids soak up their last few minutes of water and sand before they are carried off to bed past flowering plumeria trees. I love love love the reflection of the sun on all the windows of the tall buildings, the sunset is caught in each one of them and if you turn your eyes away from the ocean and look back at the city you will see a thousand sunsets at once. I love that I notice these things, that I get to spend so much time in this place, that its heartbeat and my own are one.

It’s comforting to know that no matter how busy my day has been, no matter how far away from “home” I might be, Waikiki is carrying on as usual. The boats will come in and go out, the tiki torches will be lit, the happy hours will continue and all of this magic is waiting for me whenever I choose.

Join me on a stroll through the neighborhood?

This Moment- A Friday ritual. A single photo- no words- capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor, and remember. If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’ in the comments for all to find and see.

We’re all waiting for you Mr. Harper

We exist because of water and it’s amazing how little we actually understand about how the water cycle works. Thanks to the Surfrider Foundation, a new video has been created to explain the cycle of water that sustains our daily lives.

“The premise of the film is that the water cycle we all learned about in 4th grade has been dramatically altered over time, leaving us with a broken system that wastes water and energy, pollutes our natural waterways, harms critical marine life, and poorly deals with flooding and other water management problems.”

Hopefully, this video will help you better understand how the process works and what steps we as individuals can make to improve this life sustaining cycle.

Floating weightlessly in warm crystal clear water, the burden of a stressful day lifted from my shoulders and distributed through a sea of tranquility.

A quiet moment, where the noise of everything else is drowned out by the murmur of water filling my ears and carrying me into a place of peace.

The silky water surrounding my growing curves, supporting my still body as I relax and let my thoughts drift away.

Just floating. Being. Enjoying.

While waiting outside of my chiropractors office an older gentleman rides up on his bike, plops down next to me and begins to touch my belly out of nowhere! Out of NOWHERE!!!

I wish I could better describe for you how this whole thing unfolded but he literally started touching me out of nowhere and grinning this half smile/ half creepy little grin. One thing he was wrestling with his shredded bike helmet as I sat their quietly looking at my magazine and the next his hands were all up on me! think I might have nervously laughed and said something like, “err…yeah…the baby is really growing huh”. He looks straight into my eyes with that silly little grin and says, “well you’re in the final stretch, this baby will be ready in just a few weeks!”

A few weeks! I’m not even 1/2 way there Mr. Stranger Awkward Belly Toucher Smiley Old MAN! When I told him I was only 4 1/2 months pregnant he started going on and on about how when his wife was “hapai” she only ate poi and carrots and she barely gained a pound. His wife who is now an ex-wife, pays for their 43 year old daughters alcohol monitoring bracelet, lives in Las Angeles with her new husband, is a pilates instructor, had an episiotomy with her second, teaches woman how to do kegels……ahh just stop talking and STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!

Mr. Crazy man went on and on and on about his life, his ex-wife, his bike ride up and down the coast of California, how he practices free love even at his old age, how his recent endeavors of “free love” have landed him with a displaced hip and sciatic and how I need to feed my baby poi. I can’t belive how much this crazy old bat managed to squeeze into the 10 minute wait. I feel like I was stuck there with this guy for FOREVER. Normally, I’m pretty good with these weird encounters. I figure the universe or something has placed this person in my path to teach me something but in all my honest searching I can not figure out why I was trapped in this never ending encounter.

Did I mention the numerous numerous references to my “abounding chi-chi’s” and how I would never have to worry about my baby starving because mama has a WHOLE LOT to offer?! He also went on and on about how Hawaiian style was to raise my OWN child and how he better not find out that I was trying to give my baby up to anyone, I needed to find myself a man to support me and my child. All this while confused passerbys glared at me with a “how dare she” look.

Me: “ummm but I’m married and very happy”.

Crazy Man: ” Well how long”?

Me: “about 4 years”

Crazy Man: ” 4 days, well apparently you’ve been sleeping around for longer than 4 days with chi chi’s and a belly like that”

Finally, FINALLY my miracle working chiropractor sweeps in to rescue me and officially seals his spot in my Top 5 favorite human beings EVER! To top it all off, Mr. Crazy was outside the office waiting for his turn as I gathered my things to leave. As I walked out the door he was there waiting, ready to grab my belly one last time. He looks me in the eyes, tells me my daughter is beautiful and thanks me for my heart.

“uhhh sure anytime ” translate “get me the HELL out of here and STOP TOUCHING ME!!!”

… of the day I can wrap my arms around my little baby and sing him/her a lullaby

… of a garden off my lanai that nourishes our little family in a special homegrown way

… of having my family over for the holidays and spending the afternoon in the kitchen making pies like I did as a little girl

… of watching my husband grow into a father and watching our love change as our family turns into a family of 3 (and 4, 5….)

… of only having to change MY babies diaper rather than the 24 diapers in 6 hours that I’m used to at work

… on that note, being able to stay home with my little one and be a part of all the diaper changes, feedings, naps and special memories throughout the day

I absolutely love this little girl’s confidence and am seriously thinking about giving this a try. Think the neighbors would mind a pregnant chick jumping on the vanity yelling out positive affirmations? If only we could always love ourselves as much as we did at this age. Such a sweet reminder….enjoy!

I love my boss…I love my boss….I love my boss….