Friday was “one of those days”. I had my second go around with my breast massage/torture, came home to a crying constipated baby, a messy house and a long to-do list with not a single thing crossed off. I sank into the couch feeling worn out and overwhelmed.
After a long nap I snapped back into human mode and attempted to turn my day around. It was time to feed Mr. Harper and I approached my hungry babe with slight optimism. The massage had made a huge difference the last time I went, things were getting better and surely after another full hour of wringing, twisting, pulling and stretching there would be even more improvement.
I was quickly reminded that today was still one of those days as Harper took one look at me and my freshly squeezed bosoms and gave a big ‘ol ” Hell no” scream.
He continued to scream and scream and scream. He screamed on and off for about an hour. He screamed because he was hungry. He screamed because he was constipated. He screamed because I tried to feed him. He screamed because I stopped trying to feed him. We were running in circles and he was quickly wearing me down.
I ultimately gave up, realizing that I was not going to win this battle. Once again I felt defeated and like a horrible mama for torturing my poor hungry son. I was once again at my end. I questioned myself, my motives and whether or not this struggle was really worth it. As long as the baby eats all is good right…so why am I pushing so hard to get him to breastfeed? Why is this SO important? Is it just some stupid ideal I’m holding on to, am I blind and just too stubborn to see that this is just not going to work? Is this really the best thing for him when it almost always ends up a battle of wills? Is it fair to him to keep these breastfeeding wars going on and on? Is it fair to him to just give up?
I was lost. I was tired. I was sad. I sank back into the couch and let the water works flow. I felt like my seventh grade self at the movie theater watching Titanic as the tears welled up in my eyes and worked their way down my red flustered cheeks. I begged and pleaded with God or whomever to help me out on this one. I was desperate and I needed someone or something to tell me what to do.
After an appropriate time of wallowing in my frustrations and sorrows I decided it was time to just call it a day and head for bed. It was 2am and I had been once again hooked up to the pump dropping more tears than milk and it was just time to give in. For whatever reason I decided I needed to check my e-mail before I could really shut my brain down and turn in for the night.
As if my prayers had instantly been answered I found this article in my inbox:
Going Through the Emotions
Why It’s Worth the Trouble
– By Mike Kramer, Staff Writer for SparkPeople.com
The world can be a beautiful place, full of possibilities and life. You can feel invincible and in control. But it’s not always like that, is it? The world can also be a stressful, upsetting place with too many things to get done at once. At times, it seems like things that were once clear-cut are harder than they really need to be. Is it worth the trouble, you ask.
You’re darned right it is!
You’ve probably heard this story before, but since you’re here, it’s worth retelling: A frog, hopping around the farm, minding his own business, fell right into a pail half-filled with cream. Swimming frantically, he found the sides too steep and too high. Determined not to give up, he continued to struggle. He kicked and squirmed, kicked and squirmed until at last his churning had turned the cream into a block of butter – allowing him to hop right out. He never gave up!
Here’s how your story and his intersect. If he started feeling sorry for himself, he would have sunk to the bottom. But instead, he kept kicking. He kicked not because he knew it would help him escape, but because he was compelled to. He kicked because the alternative was no alternative at all.
From the frog’s point of view, all he was doing was treading, doing what he could given his situation. If you keep kicking, even if it just seems like you’re treading water, you’re actually causing real change that will make a huge difference later on.
There will be lazy days and discouraging days. But there will also be days of revelation, days of being proud of who you are becoming, days of realizing your potential as a parent, days of wanting to climb on top of your success and reach for the stars, because you just know that anything is possible.
These are the days that make it all worthwhile. These are the days that let you deal with those other, not-so-great days. Once you know those bad days will be there, it’s easier to accept them at face value and deal with them. But you have to keep kicking on those bad days to get to the good ones. If you’re not kicking, you’re sinking.
Don’t let the world or your own doubts take away one of the most positive things you have going for yourself – your determination to be the most healthy, energetic, vibrant, and wonderful parent that you know you are capable of.
Wow! Mind you this particular article is actually speaking about advice for when you are pregnant but it’s message really seemed to fit the bill for what I was going through at the exact moment. This is a message I think all of us can relate to whether your struggle be at work, at home, with a friend, lover or just a funk you find yourself in. We have to remember to persevere.
After reading this article I picked myself up off the couch, wiped my tear streaked face and walked myself to bed, my head a little higher and my heart a little fuller. I woke up the next morning to a bright eyed, smiling little boy who nestled right into my chest and nursed like crazy. We laid in bed, snuggling while he nursed and I thought about that poor little frog and how he refused to sink. He kept on kicking and that’s just what I intend to do…this mama is determined to make some butter and to continue being the best parent I know how to be.
Wish us luck and until then who doesn’t love a soapy little babe?
